The 6th Annual EMOs

Welcome, one and all. It’s hard to believe that it’s been over half a decade now since I posted the first annual EMOs (Ethan’s Makeshift Oscars) as a lark to Facebook. But here I go again.

A record number of films qualified for this year’s ceremony – 31 in all. In order to qualify, the film had to be released in 2012 and I had to watch the film in 2012; however this year I set the deadline at Dec. 25 rather than the 31st, in order to accomodate an earlier live ceremony. That probably means a few films (like “Django Unchained” and “The Hobbit”) will end up off the list, but small matter.

Also, for those wondering about the whereabouts of my old writing partner Putin the platypus, a small and oft-ignored provision in Russia’s recent passed adoption ban unfortunately required his immediate extradition to Vladivostok. But never fear, he sent along his thoughts on this year’s winners. Please enjoy perusing the nominees and victors (highlighted in red), both in our traditional competitive categories and our special achievement awards, where every film is a winner in its own way. Until next year!

The 6th Annual EMO Awards

Best Action Film

  • The Amazing Spider-Man
  • The Avengers
  • The Dark Knight Rises
  • Looper
  • Skyfall

Putin sez: Is it a law that the film with Bruce Willis has to win this? I think it is.

Funniest Film

  • Moonrise Kingdom
  • ParaNorman
  • Safety Not Guaranteed
  • Seven Psychopaths
  • Wreck-It Ralph

Putin sez: Otherwise known as the “How Many Times Can You Swear In Two Hours?” award.

Best Animated Feature

  • Brave
  • ParaNorman
  • The Pirates! Band of Misfits
  • The Secret World of Arriety
  • Wreck-It Ralph

Putin sez: I’m gonna wreck it! …by “it” I mean Parliament. Who needs it? I think a palace would be a much better use of space.

Best Hero

  • James Bond, Skyfall
  • Merida, Brave
  • Tony Mendez, Argo
  • Norman, ParaNorman
  • Ralph, Wreck-It Ralph

Putin sez: Is it bad that I couldn’t think of anything but Simon Gao during this whole movie?

Best Villain

  • Bane, The Dark Knight Rises
  • King Candy, Wreck-It Ralph
  • Loki, The Avengers
  • Silva, Skyfall
  • the witch, ParaNorman
  • Racists, Lincoln

Putin sez: I would think on my sins, but that would just be so depressing. Instead: skydiving!

Most Fucked-Up Protagonist

  • Charlie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
  • Hester, The Deep Blue Sea
  • Joe, Looper
  • Freddy Quell, The Master
  • Bruce Wayne, The Dark Knight Rises

Putin sez: Even I wouldn’t be able to handle that rocket fuel hooch. And I’m Russian.

Worst Science

  • The Amazing Spider-Man
  • The Bourne Legacy
  • Prometheus

Putin sez: Oh look, the air is totally breathable! Let’s all take our helmets off right away! …”War of the Worlds?” No, I’ve never read it, why?

Most Casually Racist

  • The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
  • Cloud Atlas
  • Red Dawn

Putin sez: Chinese, Koreans, same difference, right? You’re all just inferior communists anyway.

Most Deserving to Have Everyone Involved in Production Die Just For Making Me Watch the Trailer

  • Battleship
  • The Lorax
  • Oz the Great and Powerful
  • That’s My Boy
  • The Twilight Saga – Breaking Dawn, Part 2

Putin sez: Painful though it is to imagine the retching sounds Dr. Seuss might’ve emitted upon watching “The Lorax,” consider this something of a career award and a parting gift for Sparkles McNoChest.

Best Poster

Putin sez: Fireworks and 5-year-olds: always an entertaining combination!

Best Trailer

Putin sez: On a related note, “Prometheus” was a strong contender for most disappointing film of the year.

Best Scene

  • Seizure of the embassy, Argo
  • Breaking the china, Cloud Atlas
  • in the Underground, The Deep Blue Sea
  • Plane crash, Flight
  • Accordion band, Holy Motors
  • Motion capture studio, Holy Motors
  • Processing, The Master
  • Confronting the witch, ParaNorman

Putin sez: Speaking of shredding documents, I had to leave for the Motherland in quite a hurry. In my study, there’s a folder labelled “World Domination Plans” – could someone please dispose of those for me?

Prettiest Pictures

  • Roger Deakins, Skyfall
  • Florian Hoffmeister, The Deep Blue Sea
  • Mihai Malaimare Jr., The Master
  • Seamus McGarvey, Anna Karenina
  • Wally Pfister, The Dark Knight Rises
  • Ben Richardson, Beasts of the Southern Wild

Putin sez: Never before has cabbage been so artfully filmed.

Best Use of a Pre-Existing Song

  • “Heroes,” by David Bowie, from The Perks of Being a Wallflower
  • “Little Ghost,” by the White Stripes, from ParaNorman
  • “The Man Comes Around,” by Johnny Cash, from Killing Them Softly
  • “Molly Malone,” from The Deep Blue Sea
  • “Sugar Man,” by Rodriguez, from Searching for Sugar Man

Putin sez: It’s Dr. Davies’ Sing-Along Blitz! Everybody!

Best Original Song

  • “Big Machine,” performed by Mark Duplass, Safety Not Guaranteed
  • “Learn Me Right,” performed by Mumford and Sons and Birdie, Brave
  • “Skyfall,” performed by Adele, Skyfall
  • “When Can I See You Again?” performed by Owl City, Wreck-It Ralph
  • “Who Were We,” performed by Kylie Minogue, Holy Motors

Putin sez: Adele walks away with this if only for resurrecting the glorious Bond theme tradition of abandoning sensible lyrics for repeating the name of the film as many times as possible.

Best Original Score

  • Jonny Greenwood, The Master
  • James Horner, The Amazing Spider-Man
  • Reinhold Heil, Johnny Klimek, Tom Tykwer, Cloud Atlas
  • Dario Marianelli, Anna Karenina
  • Thomas Newman, Skyfall
  • Dan Romer, Benh Zeitlin, Beasts of the Southern Wild
  • John Williams, Lincoln

Putin sez: My only objection here is to parents who put unnecessary letters in their children’s names. Why not just call him some simple diminuitive, like Saschshshenuchka?

Rising Above It (for elevating flawed material)

  • Alec Baldwin, To Rome with Love
  • Andrew Garfield, The Amazing Spider-Man
  • Bill Nighy, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
  • Jeremy Renner, The Bourne Legacy
  • Emma Stone, The Amazing Spider-Man

Putin sez: I have no soul, and even I think they’re overwhelmingly adorable.

Scene-Stealer Award

  • James Badge Dale, Flight
  • Michel Piccoli, Holy Motors
  • Michael Stuhlbarg, Seven Psychopaths

Putin sez: Because cancer.

Best Breakthrough Actor

  • Jared Gillman, Moonrise Kingdom
  • Domnhall Gleason, Anna Karenina
  • Kara Heyward, Moonrise Kingdom
  • Logan Lerman, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
  • Ezra Miller, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
  • Alicia Vikander, Anna Karenina
  • Quvenzhané Wallis, Beasts of the Southern Wild

Putin sez: You could write about us, Gates! Make us solve crimes! You can call us “Snob” and “the Platypus.”

Best Adapted Screenplay

  • Lucy Alibar, Benh Zeitlin, Beasts of the Southern Wild
  • Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
  • Terence Davies, The Deep Blue Sea
  • Tony Kushner, Lincoln
  • Chris Terrio, Argo

Putin sez: Politics just involves so much… talking. Aren’t there going to be some explosions in here at some point?

Best Original Screenplay

  • Paul Thomas Anderson, The Master
  • Wes Anderson, Moonrise Kingdom
  • Chris Butler, ParaNorman
  • Derek Connolly, Safety Not Guaranteed
  • Rian Johnson, Looper
  • Jennifer Lee, Phil Johnston, Wreck-It Ralph
  • Martin McDonagh, Seven Psychopaths

Putin sez: Who wins between Benh Zeitlin and Rian Johnson in the “stupidest way of spelling their name” contest?

Best Supporting Actor

  • Javier Bardem, Skyfall
  • Simon Russell Beale, The Deep Blue Sea
  • Michael Fassbender, Prometheus
  • Dwight Henry, Beasts of the Southern Wild
  • Tom Hiddleston, The Deep Blue Sea
  • Ezra Miller, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
  • Sam Rockwell, Seven Psychopaths
  • Christopher Walken, Seven Psychopaths
  • Ben Whishaw, Cloud Atlas
  • Bruce Willis, Looper

Putin sez: That’s right, all of you just got beaten by a guy who’s been a baker his entire life before this film. Bet you can’t make a soufflé, Walken.

Best Supporting Actress

  • Amy Adams, The Master
  • Emily Blunt, Looper
  • Jessica Chastain, Lawless
  • Judi Dench, Skyfall
  • Sally Field, Lincoln
  • Anne Hathaway, Wreck-It Ralph

Putin sez: Namy Bladams coincidentally also wins Most Terrifying Handjob of All Time.

Best Actor

  • Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln
  • Mark Duplass, Safety Not Guaranteed
  • Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Looper
  • Tom Hanks, Cloud Atlas
  • Philip Seymour Hoffman, The Master
  • Denis Lavant, Holy Motors
  • Logan Lerman, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
  • Joaquin Phoenix, The Master
  • John C. Reilly, Wreck-It Ralph
  • Denzel Washington, Flight

Putin sez: Whatever, I’ve had far more schizophrenic days in my time.

Best Actress

  • Kara Heyward, Moonrise Kingdom
  • Kelly MacDonald, Brave
  • Aubrey Plaza, Safety Not Guaranteed
  • Noomi Rapace, Prometheus
  • Sarah Silverman, Wreck-It Ralph
  • Quvenzhané Wallis, Beasts of the Southern Wild
  • Rachel Weisz, The Deep Blue Sea

Putin sez: Suicidal, but I’d still do her.

Best Acting Ensemble

  • Argo
  • The Dark Knight Rises
  • Lincoln
  • Moonrise Kingdom
  • Skyfall

Putin sez: By quantity if not by quality.

Best Director

  • Ben Affleck, Argo
  • Paul Thomas Anderson, The Master
  • Wes Anderson, Moonrise Kingdom
  • Leos Carax, Holy Motors
  • Terence Davies, The Deep Blue Sea
  • Rian Johnson, Looper
  • Christopher Nolan, The Dark Knight Rises
  • Joe Wright, Anna Karenina
  • Benh Zeitlin, Beasts of the Southern Wild

Putin sez: Bhehhn again?

Best Film

  • Argo
  • Beasts of the Southern Wild
  • The Deep Blue Sea
  • Holy Motors
  • Looper
  • The Master
  • Moonrise Kingdom
  • The Perks of Being a Wallflower
  • Seven Psychopaths
  • Wreck-It Ralph

Putin sez: I swear, Gates, sometimes you just revel in obscurity.

Closest Resemblance to an NRA After-School Special:

Red Dawn

Putin sez: Hang on, guys, I just need to stop by the vending machine at the CVS for some more AK-47 ammunition.

The Harry Potter Casting Award for Largest Collection of Exceptional Brits:

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

Putin sez: I would absolutely pay to see “Professor McGonagall and Rufus Scrimgeour Visit India.”

Certificate of Redundancy Certificate:

The Bourne Legacy

Putin sez: “Homage” is just the French word for “unoriginal.”

Biggest Waste of Voice Talent:

Will Arnett and Amy Poehler, The Secret World of Arriety

Putin sez: And then you remember that they separated and that LOVE IS A LIE.

Most Misplaced Casting:

Ellen Page as a sexual bombshell, To Rome with Love

Putin sez: I can still refer to Ellen Page as Ellen Page. Case in point.

Special Unachievement in Reminding Me That George W. Bush Was Once President:

Killing Them Softly

Putin sez: It’s like remembering those days when I almost gave the peasants democracy. Ah, youth.

Best Emo Skateboarding:

The Amazing Spider-Man

Putin sez: Hey, that’s the name of the show!

Most Clichéd Music Cues:

Flight

Putin sez: Please allow me to introduce myself, I’m a man of poverty and extremely crude taste.

Best Pregnancy Deterrent Since Eraserhead:

Prometheus

Putin sez: Why did the futuristic operation machine calibrated for a man have a Caesarian function?

The Draco Malfoy Apparently-Brooding-Is-Really-Attractive Villain Award:

Loki, The Avengers

Putin sez: Pshaw, riding around half-naked on horseback is so much hotter. Ladies?

Least Convincing 19th Century Russian Couple:

Keira Knightley and Aaron Johnson, Anna Karenina

Putin sez: Keira, you’re way too skinny to be living exclusively on potatoes and cabbage. And Aaron, jheri curls are not wise in a country fond of giant fuzzy hats. Even Blarlett Nonannson is a more convincing Russian than you.

Most Unexpectedly Dodo-centric Plot:

The Pirates! Band of Misfits

Putin sez: Also most depressingly lonely depiction of Charles Darwin.

Best Shia LaBeouf Slapping:

Lawless

Putin sez: Nono nonononono no- *SMACK*

Hey, At Least We’re Not Detroit

Searching for Sugar Man

Putin sez: *Our economy’s based on people getting sick…*

The William Wallace Award for FREEEEEEEEEEEDOM

Brave

Putin sez: I have an objection to this film in that they blatantly stole the archery scene from Disney’s Robin Hood. Woodland creatures, represent!

Yo, Is This Racist?

Cloud Atlas

Putin sez: Yes.

Most Fawning Depiction of a Not-Horse:

Lincoln

Putin sez: “War Lincoln” would’ve been much more fun.

Most Nolan-ized Non-Nolan Film:

Skyfall

Putin sez: The name’s Bond. James Bond. And this is my security blanket. I JUST HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS, OK??

Second Best Movie of the Year About Time Travel But Not Really About Time Travel:

Safety Not Guaranteed

Putin sez: I tried to follow Mark Duplass’ blueprints, but ended up on some beach in Cuba in the 1960’s. I don’t think I caused too many problems, though.

Least Depressing Tragic Ending:

The Dark Knight Rises

Putin sez: Ohhh no, he only gets to live in Europe in luxury and bang Catwoman for the rest of his life. That’s what hubris leads to, kids.

Most Realistic Depiction of the Zombie Apocalypse:

ParaNorman

Putin sez: BOOM! HEADSHOT!

Most Convoluted Meta-Plot:

Seven Psychopaths

Putin sez: You all are actually characters in the movie of my life. Let the horror of that truth just sink in.

The Golden Ring Award for Fulfilling My Childhood Dream of Seeing Sonic the Hedgehog in a Movie:

Wreck-It Ralph

Putin sez: Marsupials of the world, unite!

Most Quotable Line of the Year:

“I love you, but you don’t know what you’re talking about.” – Moonrise Kingdom

Putin sez: I never know what I’m talking about! All the love is mine! Panda!

Most Incredibly British Film Ever Made:

The Deep Blue Sea

Putin sez: Oh, tally ho, you tried to kill yourself, what what? Well be a good sport and just… don’t do that, ta? Pip pip!

Most Likely to Instill Terrifying High School Flashbacks, Only with a Bunch of Mental Illness and Sexual Abuse Thrown in for Good Measure:

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Putin sez: AAA AAA THE MIXTAPES AAAAAA

Most Dubious Hispanic:

Ben Affleck as Tony Mendez, Argo

Putin sez: Keep in mind, this is the year a Korean woman played a Hispanic in “Cloud Atlas.”

Greatest Resemblance to Those Dreams I Have After Eating Spicy Ramen at 12:30 A.M.

Holy Motors

Putin sez: Angolans…bears…Nanne Blathaway…balalaikas!!!

Most Distracting Abuse to Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s Face:

Looper

Putin sez: You pandering boyfriend, you.

Best Film to Contemplate While Walking Home in a Pouring Rainstorm Because Your Brain Already Kinda Felt Like It Was Melting Anyway:

The Master

Putin sez: *I’m driiiiiinking in the rain, just driiiiiiinking in the rain…*

Best Use of an Extinct Species:

Beasts of the Southern Wild

Putin sez: Apologies to Tom Cruise in “Jack Reacher.”

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1 Comment

Filed under Blatherings

One response to “The 6th Annual EMOs

  1. Elaine

    Running commentary on Putin’s running commentary:
    -Who you calling inferior Communists?!
    -Sparkles McNoChest will never leave you.
    -Florian Hoffmeister is displeased with you. You do not want to mess with someone who combines Florian and Germany. Just saying.
    -Dr. Davies’ Sing-Along Blitz sounds like the best party ever.
    -But Clara Oswin Oswald CAN make a soufflé!
    -Loki > Putin
    -Disney’s Robin Hood = Greatest Robin Hood
    -I just watched an interview with Tom Hiddleston on The Deep Blue Sea DVD in which he talked about how it was a uniquely English film. The Scot in me was offended by the use of English, but still.

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